No post for June. It was a month of tears, heartbreaks, pain, and disappoinment. 

But for the month of June, I finished reading the book Joyful Surrender by Elisabeth Elliot. I guess that was the book I needed that time. It was a good book companion going through the process of another surrender in my life.  

There is nothing joyful in surrendering the fight to be with the one you love. Never in my entire existence thought of struggling to be with the one I love physically would come my way. I had this thought that it was something that could be won easily. Like as long you love each other, it will work out, and I am pretty sure it is going to be hard, but at the end of the day it is still going to work out. 

I was never ready to give up. Though I had anxious thoughts, I always thought that if I stick with him through thick and thin, he will do the same too, and he did, but up to a certain level only. He wouldn't go down deep in the dirt with me, and I get him. I so get him that I tried so hard to convince him that we could make it through together physically, but he would not try it. And I still love him. 

He was right it was a lot more complicated, but my simple mind saw it simple. It was simple for me. 

Maybe he was right when he said everything was falling apart. On my side, I thought I was doing a good job trying to keep it together. I was breaking, falling apart, but I tried to stay in one piece to keep the relationship, to stay together physically, because distance, a long, long distance can bring loneliness in a relationship.

He decided to let me go and it was something I did not want him to do. I thought he would not want to be apart from me, as much as I hated the idea. But he made his decision, and I did not have nothing to change that decision. 

I decided to surrender in hope that it would give him peace and joy. In hope that God will open doors for us. My heart was breaking, is. My soul was torn apart, is. It was the hardest decision I made in my life, to let go. To leave him, and be thousands miles apart from each other

I miss him every single day. I miss him in moments I am happy and in moments I am sad. I love him. But God should come first, and I guess that's the part that I missed, we missed maybe. He was the center of my universe. He was my world. I thought us going to church was putting God in the center of our relationship. But I guess, there were times we didn't put God above our relationship. We let Him down. I always pray that God will be glorified in our relationship and I still do. I pray that God is glorified in this season of my life as I wait again and try to live a life of freedom, joy, and faith all through Him and in Him.

Joyful surrender is hard at the beginning of letting go of the battle you have been fighting for to win. It is still hard and difficult during the process, loneliness is another constant battle I have to deal with. Only God can make it easy. If you let go, and let God. 

Before the end of June, it was also a month of hope and new beginning. As what he said, hope keeps us going.