Biking seems to be a fun idea for those who enjoy strolling around and exercising at the same time. As well as a good alternative of transportation for those who consider themselves eco-friendly citizens of the earth, provided that there is a shower area at their destination. Biking as we all know can be sweaty, one can perspire a lot; whether, in a gloomy or hot sky, sweat will always be there.  

Strolling on a bike is also an exercise, which I decided to do so since I felt breathless for the past weeks since face-to-face classes started. Going to the gym is an option but I am short on a budget, so biking is a go since I have my MTB getting stuck at home and it is much better to put it in use instead of letting it rust and turns old without putting it in good use. 

Banking-banking, on the other hand, is a made-up term I heard from my friends slash workmates. It is a humorous name they use for a boyfriend and girlfriend's road trips on a motorcycle, where the guy drives and the girl hugs her boyfriend from behind in the fast lane while doing an angle drift on a wide road. That is the extent of my imagination about the banking-banking thing. For quite a while, motorcycles depict danger on my part, whenever I see them on the road, they just move too fast and always want to get ahead of the others, like it is always a race, a very dangerous race. Nevertheless, using a motorcycle is beneficial for many it is convenient and practical for some. 

Biking-biking is a term I came up with to counter banking-banking. Well, biking-biking appeals more like a friendly road trip across genders and relationships. Whether you are solo, in a duo, or group, biking is satisfying and breathtaking. My panting for the past weeks, whenever I climbed stairs at school, is not that persistent anymore since I started biking again. It helps. I am trying to be consistent in biking to lessen or totally diminish my exhaustion from exertion to breathe whenever I walk or climb a short distance. So whenever I get the chance to bike I so get it!

For the past five months, I am consistently playing Mobile Legends: Bang Bang. Oh, what a waste of time, some people might say. Maybe, yes. Maybe, no. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Maybe, I am addicted to ML, probably. The goal is to raise my rank. What a noble and priceless objective!

When I was just in Master and Grandmaster rank, I so wanted to reach the Epic level. It took me a month, during vacation to be exact, to finally reach the Epic rank. So what? Did my life got any better because I achieved that rank? The answer is no, but there is a big YES. It brought happiness when the game is played moderately. It connects people of all ages. It is fun, fulfilling, and satisfying game. It develops relationship, even fellowship if played in moderation.

Playing ML can be quite frustrating, especially for a beginner. There is a lot to learn about heroes, skills, builds, skins, and more and more. It was overwhelming at first and confusing as well, but if you have a good group of friends who are willing to teach you and patiently explain the essential details, then everything is a lot easier and a lot better. But do expect some harsh words in the game, as much as there is good vibes, there is also some bad vibes. It's either they get on your nerves or you get on their nerves, either way play it nice. Never give a remark that is below the belt, that is not fair and never pleasant. Play it nice, always.

Up until now, I want to raise my rank. Next goal is Legend and it is difficult. I persist on playing the game, and maybe next vacation, I will be able to make it on Legend rank. That's the spirit!

So far, I am enjoying the game. It brings good vibes from time to time in a once boring atmosphere. It is fun. So much fun, but again can be frustrating sometimes due to lose streak or an encounter of negative player during the in-game. Just be mindful and careful. Play and slay!

I wonder.

And tonight, I am not crying. He made my night.

TYL. Again and again, I surrender.

 

Oh how much, I look forward to that end season. The end of the waiting season. On these particular days of my life,  I am, again, tired and sad and lonely and lost. It feels like I lost connection to someone important. 

And right now I feel so not enough. I feel lacking and longing again. 

There was this person who appeared in my life after many years. And all of a sudden I thought maybe he was the one sent by God.  He brought hope and happy moments. I was genuinely happy during those spared times he spent with me. 

He was on and off. He was active but never present. He was reacting but never communicating. 

He was just there when it was convenient for him. 

I knew there was something wrong. It was weird and I almost fell into the trap, once again.  

I thought this kind of longing already disappeared and permanently vanished in my system, but it was there, that familiar feeling of wanting and impatience emerged once again and I felt ashamed. 

I thought it was okay for me to stay single and alone but never lonely. I thought I was fine. I was joyful in the presence of God. I was rejoicing in good and bad times. 

Then he appeared and brought doubt and pain.

I should not blame him. It was not his fault entirely. We played games where there are winners and losers. 

The game was fun and all but losing was painful. 

There were nights that I cried while asking God why I was never pursued especially by the one I liked. It had always been a one-sided thing. I even questioned my worth and forgot my identity in Christ. I asked Him if He intended me to be alone and lonely all the days of my life here on earth. 

I doubted again and was guilty. This is not how I should be as a Christian. This is not me in Christ. 

"Bruised but not broken," I remember my D-Group leader telling me this. This time maybe I am not broken, only bruised. All thanks to God's divine protection and preemptive action. I am saved always.

He owns everything. Not a single thing is our own. We are merely stewards of God's creation. We are to serve Him. Even the life we have is His, and He wants us to make the most out of it. Our beloved family here on earth is also from Him. He owns them.

My father had shown his support to my mother during those moments of weakness. I knew so well that he was not like that in the past. He did change and it was a very long process. He cooked for us because my mother couldn't, using our tricycle he was the runner, and sometimes he was the dishwasher when it was not my turn. We were able to keep it together all by God's grace. And what he is now is only possible through God's power. I could not help but share this with you and praise Him with all my heart. We are very far from being a perfect family, and I doubt there is such a thing as a perfect family since a family is composed of imperfect human beings, but I grew to appreciate the kind of family I have. God gave them to me and they are exactly who I need in living a purposeful life here on earth.

Before I forgot to mention, my sister also helped in doing some laundry, and overcoming those seemingly unending weeks of struggle was a challenge for all of us.

I realized a lot of things in life during those times of trouble and I resolved to be a better daughter to my parents, to enjoy my time with them and serve, care, and love them the best I can through Him who strengthens me. I am still not the perfect daughter, but I am glad that God put a desire in my heart to honor and respect my parents in His perfect ways. I am also reminded that in times of trouble we can still remain hopeful, the true hope that is only found in Jesus Christ.

I wondered why God does not yet answer my prayers. I was questioning His silence. A conviction to ask the fellow believers with me weighed on me. I was hesitant to share my struggles with my sisters in Christ I thought I would be a burden to them and I did want that. My pride and hate held me back, and God does not want a proud and hateful child. He wants us to be loving, humble, and dependent on Him. He knows how far we can endure.

When she could not take it any longer, my mother asked and insisted we bring her to a doctor for a check-up since over-the-counter medicines were not helping her to ease her suffering. We went to different doctors, but it was already late in the afternoon, and it seemed like no one was willing to take in a patient who have symptoms similar to my mother suffered with. We were frustrated and filled with uncertainties. A hospital has only the capacity to entertain patients with CoVid symptoms. 

My mother was swabbed test and we waited a few minutes for the result outside the hospital. We were not allowed to enter and we also did not want to. We were feeling agitated and my hate towards my sister grew bigger. I was browsing my social media account just to have a little diversion from the predicament we were all facing when I came across one of my sister's shared posts on one of her social media accounts about something funny. I was furious that she did not even care that's why I reacted with an angry emoticon on her posts. I knew it was childish but I had to vent out my disappointment towards her. But I retracted the angry emoticon later on when I surrendered the anger and disappointment. 

The result was negative. Praise God! I thanked and prayed to Him. She was also advised to be x-rayed and the film showed that she had phlegms in her lungs which was still alarming. The doctor prescribed her some medicines for her fever and dry cough. 

On the second day of taking her medicine, my mother was dissatisfied with the effect of the medicines. She still had difficulty with her coughing and felt like she could not breathe properly. She borrowed a nebulizer from her sister who was also my aunt and thanks to God, my very own sister assisted our mother in operating the nebulizer.

But my mother was far from being okay after the check-up and taking all those medicines. She did not feel any better. I was sad and hope seemed to be losing my grip. I held on to the promises of God.

During one of our DGroup meetings and of the days of the online True Life Retreat 2021, I had the opportunity to tell my predicament in a conversation/Bible study with fellow believers. They were compassionate and very willing to pray with me as my family went through health problems at the time of the pandemic. I was humbled and grateful for God's answer when He said 'yes to all of our prayers.

A few hours before our set schedule to embark on our journey to Mt. Secret, a feeling of inadequacy lingered in me. I felt so inadequate not as a person but more of as a teacher. I have taught for almost ten years now and I always felt so responsible whenever my students did not get promoted to the next year level or stop schooling somewhere in the middle of the school year, especially towards my advisory class. Though I tried to contact or home visited them and reason with them about the predicament we were in together, yet the endpoint for both of us was still not good. It hurt me more when the reason behind this is family or personal circumstances which I knew I was not allowed and limited to even cross the line. 

The feeling of being not enough as a teacher is more intense now during the pandemic when modular and online distance learning is being implemented where a face-to-face class is not recommended. I am an adviser again for the school year 2020 to 2021 after two or three years of having none. I have 53 students and the last time I counted them, there are 7 students who do not want to continue schooling. The decision came from the students themselves or from their parents via phone calls I made with them or through the Messenger application.

The desire not to push through with their studies is a saddening reality I can relate to. In my adolescent years when everything confused and overwhelmed me was a time in my life when I kept telling to my parents that I no longer wanted to go to school or I desired to get out of the educational system and felt like it was not helping me or even not good to my humanity and sanity. There were a lot of fears going on inside me. The fear of facing my classmates and teachers or in anyone in that place or more like I just wanted to stay at home, buried myself in front of our secondhand and defective television, and watched anime. Sitting in front of the telly was actually my sanctuary, it was from the anime I watched I got comfort and satisfaction.

I was an honor student during my elementary days and it was a shock of my life when I realized that I could no longer keep up with the performances of my classmates, they appeared more confident than I was. The way they answered in the recitation I just could not match them. They were multi-talented: dancing, acting, singing, name it they knew it. As for myself, I was just a girl who hid and suppressed feelings: the positive and negative, the anger and pain I struggled with. I was just too proud to show them all even at such a young age. Probably, because at home we were not properly encouraged to express our emotions.  I grew timider than I already was. I lost interest in my studies. 

I used to blame my parents for my difficulties in expressing my emotions, but it is no longer the situation now after 15 years. Instead, I feel thankful towards them, despite their own struggle and challenges faced during those times they were able to never let go of me, never got tired of my tantrums, never held back to provide my needs the best way they could. I am most thankful for them teaching me about and believing in God and also for saying 'no' firmly when I cried and begged them that I wanted to stop schooling and I no longer desire to pursue an education. 

Gratefulness is what I have towards my parents. They have never been perfect parents, but I am pretty sure that God gave them to me for they are the parents I need as I live my life here on earth. And as for my students, I still contact them from time to time. Aside from those 7 students, I think half of my class is not regularly submitting their outputs this second quarter, and it is such a letdown. Modules and tablets are provided, and I follow up on them from time to time, but I am positive that there are other reasons behind this situation. They may be having difficulties which are evident with the kind of setup we have right now. They maybe hating school, their teachers, classmates, parents, or even themselves, but I hope they do not give up on their education. It seems not easy right now, yet I know that their hard work will be rewarded. They may not receive the reward immediately, it may take years, decades, centuries, maybe even when we no longer dwell in the physical world. 

But I would like to tell them this: Please believe in this child, you are where you are supposed to be. So don't give up on your education. Time will pass and before you knew it you already graduated and reminiscing the silly things you did. I will always be praying for you, sweet child of God. 

There is a season for everything. There is a reason for everything. And all things happen for a purpose.

Before the day ends, she wonders if her life has any purpose, if she is living the life meaningful. She almost cries tonight with a thought of self-pity and insecurities of growing old alone and lonely. She does not want to blame others, it is her choice not to be in a relationship, and to wait patiently for God's best.

Sometimes she has wild thoughts and plans to make "walwal", to get drunk and run wild. She has this worldly idea that maybe just like others, she needs to go with the flow of this temporal world, to conform to ways of the world, so she can finally find the one. 

Sometimes she wonders why people obsessed with being married and having children. Like it is the ultimate goal of life. Like it is a demise if someone would end up alone, unmarried, and without children or even a child.

"You complete me." How much she wishes to say those words to the one. But is it right to tell that to the other person? He might feel the burden and end up destroying her instead of completing her. Remember that humans are limited. The limitations sometimes prevent them to do what they want when they want. Sometimes the things they do not want to do, they do. 

Humans are strange creatures, weird even, but they are beautiful. Created in the image of God, they are more than just a replica, they have Spirit, free will, and a purpose. They are not just for display. They live for a reason in every season.

She feels uneasy, though she knows the truth. The truth about her identity. She is more than just a girlfriend material or a wife material or a mother material. She is so much more than the label society gives to clueless human beings. She knows her identity and it is in Christ, a child of God. Forgiven. Saved. Adopted. 

The world will never stop telling her lies about her identity. There are times she would believe them, but there are also times she steps on and crushes them under her feet. A victor against the lies of the enemy. 

It gets melancholic sometimes yet she knows it is just temporary, that all things shall pass. The joy and the pain in the waiting season will surely come to pass and catapult her to the plans God has for her.

She is getting sleepy from all these thoughts inside her mind. She is an intelligent woman and always seeks Wisdom from God. Life will be good to her, as she journeys and becomes a woman of God, a woman of value, a woman of faith.

Tomorrow will take care of itself. She sleeps safe and sound holding firmly the truth in her heart. 

"Life is good because He is good." She thought to herself as she let sleep dwell on her.