Showing posts with label story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label story. Show all posts
It was morning and I was not feeling well. I felt cold and warm so I took a nap hoping the feeling would fade away. I prayed as I tried to get a little sleep to ease the cold and warmth I was feeling. It sounded ironic the way I put it, but if you are a normal human being this is exactly how you feel when you are about to get sick, you feel cold and hot. As I experienced this irony in my body, anxiety began to take over me about my plans for the first few days of 2021. I might put it behind and lose some finances due to my sickness.
Episodes just like this in my life remind me of my humanity, that there is a weakness in me, that I am limited in different aspects, yet I know that I am enough for the purpose He has entrusted me. God has supplied and will supply whatever I need. This is also a loving nudge from God that I must learn to let go of the things I can't control and fully trusting Him that all things will work together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
The year 2021 is not an exemption to the war that has been occurring even before I existed here on earth. A spiritual war has been going on since Satan rebelled against God. And the battleground for this war is our mind, thus we should fill our minds with good thoughts and ideas that edify us towards the kingdom of God.
For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ, ~2 Corinthians 10:3-5 ESV
Living a victorious life is never easy, surely there are times of failure and losses, but He is faithful and Christ is enough. He will bring comfort in our troubled times. He will be with us when we face tribulation in our life. He will not forsake us. The LORD is always with us.
I am in the process of knowing God more and seeking Him to have that personal and intimate relationship. There are times that I waver and neglect my time with Him so I tried to improve some of my habits that will help me in my journey to know and experience Him more. I listed down below some of the materials that help me with this spiritual journey with God:
1. Journal Notebook
Ever since I decided to become a writer I always tend or prefer to pen down my thoughts and feelings in a notebook, but I was never consistent. Most of the time I just brush off the chances of penning down those thoughts and feelings. But the year 2020 made the difference, I was more determined to utilize my journal notebook in talking my thoughts and feelings with God. Hopefully, 2021 will bring the same determination as I continue to seek more of God.
2. 365-Day / Everyday Devotional
Recently, I began reading the Bible from the beginning, the book of Genesis. I was having trust issues with what the church was telling about Jesus. This was a struggle I opened to my Discipleship Group leader and other members. They prayed for me and gave references for me to watch, read, and meditate upon. Aside from reading the Bible, I thought it would be nice to have this everyday devotional book by Max Lucado.
3. Pens and Highlighters
I use Dong-A Fine Tech, they are more affordable than its other competitor. I get the quality I want at a much lower price. It is also refillable. For highlighters, I have ones from Stabilo Boss and Schneider Job collections. I just need the basics for penning down my thoughts and feelings, and sometimes my conversations with God. I also tried writing stories and poems on notebooks, but it appears to me that I am not making any progress right now.
The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Happy new year! God bless everyone!
Through little ways... in Jesus's name!
It has been almost four months since the Community Quarantine was first imposed in the Philippines because of the pandemic COVID-19, and CQ has been called a lot of names during this period: lockdown, ECQ, MECQ, GCQ, MGCQ, and a lot more.
In this new normal, everyone is facing struggles on adjusting to the present setting of their lives. WFH or Work From Home is the new normal set up among some of the companies. Skeletal force is required to report physical in their workplace. All these adjustments are thanks to the blessing of technology. Before COVID-19, I thought advanced technology like wifi, smartphones, and others are doomed to destroy the lives of every human being because of the proliferation of pornography through these devices. Yet, during this time I realized that God has allowed the invention of these technologies to prepare us for what we have right now and also that good things can come out from the things God has allowed to happen.
Education has received a blow because of this pandemic. Due to viruses, we are limited to move and do what we normally do during enrolment and classes. Face to face classes with the students is still prohibited since the learners are considered vulnerable to COVID-19. The Philippine educational system did not even consider the option of canceling the school year 2020-2021 due to COVID-19. But instead, they devised plans and programs to make sure the education of every young Filipino continues under the program LCP or Learning Continuity Plan of the Department of Education.
The higher up have been exerting every effort to make education possible for every young Filipino in this time of pandemic and it goes the same way with the teachers. In little ways, teachers are doing their part to make sure they follow the direction of DepEd despite the uncertainties and anxieties brought by COVID-19. Teachers attend webinars, learn new strategies, techniques, and methods on how to deliver the teaching-learning process with the learners, while simultaneously complying with the paperwork and reports required by the school, division, region, or even from the national.
It is overwhelming and one may not be excused to experience quarantine fatigue. I thought staying at home or working from home will be a smooth sailing ship, and guess what I was wrong. Definitely wrong.
Paperworks and submission of reports arrive without a warning. They come on Saturday, Sunday, on weekends, at night, at midnight, and even during the dawn. It was a bit difficult at first, but DepEd is trying its best to prepare their teachers for the new normal by conducting webinars about mental health, psychosocial, and psychological support. I am glad that finally the department finally made this issue a priority not only for the learners but also for its personnel.
As one of the public teachers, I still struggle with this new normal. It was hard to imagine at first how the school year 2020-2021 will sail. Right now, at least I have a little glimpse of what could happen this school year during the teaching-learning process without the face to face learning modality. Our school head conducted a survey about the teachers' preferred mode of teaching in consideration of the learners' preferred learning delivery. I chose modular since my internet is not reliable (Ahem, Globe, baka naman), as of this moment I am waiting for a better internet connection through Converge. So, I'll see which is better, I want to remain with Globe, yet the need for a faster and better internet connection is a must to have an effective WFH arrangement.
Just today, I tried to create a digital presentation of a sample lessons for the LCP campaign of our school and also as a preparation for the new school year. I also made this because I had no choice but to choose to comply (hehe and because of Romans 13:1 NIV: "Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.", to God be all the glory).
I am happy with the results of my journey in creating digital content. I was excited after seeing the finished product, because of my excitement I posted the video on my Youtube channel. I am content with my work, and accept that there is still room for improvement. I hope that through this kind of digital content school yeat 2020-2021 will come to pass, in Jesus's name!
Are you a teacher?
What is a teacher?
Hello! I am Teacher Arlene.
Always, I had an eerie feeling before whenever someone calls me Teacher Arlene outside school. I didn't like it because of the system and the duties and responsibilities entangled with it, they're huge, overwhelming, and some should be done by a different set of personnel most of the times. Thus, I wanted to get away from it. I have tried many times but God is not yet done with me being a teacher. He has put me for a reason and a season. I don't know until when I am going to be a teacher in the system I am in right now, only Him knows.
In the present setting, the new normal is very challenging for everyone else including teachers, learners, and parents. That's why my prayer is that may we all find the endurance, strength, and wisdom to thrive in these trying times through Him and in Him.
Let's go back to my question, so what really is a teacher?
It isn't someone who teaches something, but someone who inspires students to give of her best in order to discover what she already knows. ~Edda, The Witch of Portabello by Paulo Coelho
I pray that you will be able to find you're true calling in these trying times. Pray for me too. 😄🙌🙏
Who is God?
I did not know who God is.
Do I know Him?
I did not know the real Him.
Do I have that intimate relationship with Him?
I thought He hated me because I kept on sinning--and I still do. I thought He did not want anything to do with a sinner like me.
But I was wrong.
I am weak in the human flesh. So weak... But that did not and never cause Him to love me less, instead, He loves me more, more than I can imagine.
You might be thinking how do I know that He loves me no matter what. How do I know that He will never love me less? How can I be sure that despite my weakness or in its plural form I am loved and protected?
In any human relationship, we must have an intimate relationship with a person to know them better and the truths about him or her. We spend time with that person and talk to them on a regular basis. And just like in human relationships, to have an intimate relationship with God, we also need to spend time with Him like attending Sunday worship, having quiet time with Him, being part of a small group or Bible study, talking and listening to Him through prayers.
By spending time with Him through my quiet time, I am knowing more about Him and putting my trust in Him as a grow and live my life with Him. His promises to you and me, I hold them, dear, to my heart because I know Him, I know His truest character and He never fails.
Psalm 62 CEV is the Scripture during my quiet time with Him last Sunday, June 14. It is only now that God is allowing me to post this blog entry. This chapter says:
God Is Powerful and Kind
1 Only God can save me,
and I calmly wait for[a] him.
2 God alone is the mighty rock[b]
that keeps me safe
and the fortress
where I am secure.
3 I feel like a shaky fence
or a sagging wall.
How long will all of you
attack and assault me?
4 You want to bring me down
from my place of honor.
You love to tell lies,
and when your words are kind,
hatred hides in your heart.
5 Only God gives inward peace,
and I depend on him.
6 God alone is the mighty rock
that keeps me safe,
and he is the fortress
where I feel secure.
7 God saves me and honors me.
He is that mighty rock
where I find safety.
8 Trust God, my friends,
and always tell him
each one of your concerns.
God is our place of safety.
9 We humans are only a breath;
none of us are truly great.
All of us together weigh less
than a puff of air.
10 Don’t trust in violence
or depend on dishonesty
or rely on great wealth.
11 I heard God say two things:
“I am powerful,
12 and I am very kind.”
The Lord rewards each of us
according to what we do.
I am not an expert in Bible verses but these are the truths about God that are revealed through His word on Psalm 62:
1. He is the only one who can save me no one else (Psalm 62:1).
1 John 5:11-12 And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. The one who has the Son has this eternal life; the one who does not have the Son of God does not have this eternal life.
2. He, alone, keeps me safe (Psalm 62:2).
Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my protector; he is my strong fortress. My God is my protection, and with him I am safe. He protects me like a shield; he defends me and keeps me safe.
3. Only He can give me inward peace (Psalm 62:5).
Romans 5:1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
4. God honors me because He loves me (Psalm 62:7).
Isaiah 41:10 ESV Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
5. God is a trusted friend, my confidant (Psalm 62:8).
John 15:15 ESV No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.
6. God is powerful and very kind (Psalm 62:11-12).
Psalm 147:5 ESV Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.
7. He is a rewarder (Psalm 62:12).
Hebrews 11:6 KJV But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
Reboot your life and start your journey with Him now!
Know God more! Be intimate with Him! Have that intimate relationship with Him!
Need someone to talk to? In need of prayers? Message me, I'm willing to listen and pray for you. May God bless us all!☺
I'm coming out! I'm coming out. I want the world to know. I've got to let it show!
Selfie was taken circa 2015 |
I am beginning to open up myself to others. Slowly, gradually, I am stepping out to make another debut in the world of society. But this time I am not doing it alone. I have someone greater than anyone has ever lived. I have someone who is all-powerful. I have someone who never runs out of love for me. He never fails me. But I did many times, I failed Him. But He forgives me always. He even sacrificed himself to save me from death. He is my salvation, my redeemer. His name is Jesus. The Son of God.
Last 2019, things got messy in my life. I was broken. Crushed. I was seeing death as something trivial yet scary. All my possessions, what I had achieved were temporary things I could lose any time. I realized there were things I could not control or even change, more so death.
I had this thought that the pain and grief I felt would be easily gone if I just die, and that was an easy way out. I gave up fighting. Because I always only got hurt. People did not like me or what I do. They rejected me, the real me. I was not good enough and all of us would just die anyway, so why even try to live? If you live, you will just die. Life was meaningless, pointless, even hopeless.
I was withdrawing from physical reality.
I was living to die. I was...
But, then...
Someone pulled me back to life. He sent angels through people who might know me or not. A divinely orchestrated plan led me back to The One who loved me first. To Him who always chased me. To Him who never let me down.
To my LORD.
I lost to surrender my life to Him and learned a lot and still learning and re-learning a lot about Him. I love Him, yet I know that He loves more and more, deeper than the depth of the sea. My brokenness works just like what Romans 8:28 says: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose."
I was no longer a slave to my pain, grief, guilt, and shame. I am free. I no longer carry a heavy burden, because Jesus said in Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." And He brings me genuine peace, the kind of peace Paul said in Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Now, that I know the lengths, the heights, and the depths of God's love for me I no longer have the idea of wrong love, the kind of love this world projects and humans unconsciously acquire.
Matthew 22:39 says "And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself," --love others as you love yourself, see? You must love yourself the right way first, God's way, before you express the right kind of love to others. Knowing God and having an intimate relationship with Him will give us more opportunities to learn more about the kind of love He wants us to have and to share with others. How to do that? Own a Bible. Read His words. Talk to Him. Pray to Him.
Some of my Learn to's to better love yourself the right way.
1. Learn to say no
We have that tendency to always yes, even though we want to say no. I think we have that innate mechanism wherein we often do things to please other people. We take pride in saying yes all the time. We do not want to let down other people because they have some expectations, if not too much. As I became an adult, I thought I have to please every single person around me. I was so afraid to disappoint them, though I acted like I did not care I was so scared to be hated by people.
I always wanted to make a facade that I was capable of doing anything assigned to me. I was trying to act like I was a jack of all trades due to the fact that I was so afraid that others might say I was useless. That's why I had a habit of saying yes if someone was asking me for a favor.
So, next time someone asks you for something let's say a favor, it would not be so bad if you take your time and think about it before giving a response. Instead of pressuring yourself and letting others down might as well consider it first. It will be hard in the beginning, you may feel guilty and think of yourself as a bad person. But you'll get through it, pray for it.
2. Learn to take it slow
Do not rush yourself. If something needs to be done, let's say a task from work, give yourself time to think. Give yourself space. Breathe in, breathe out, before you start anything, whether it is work or personal task, much better if you even pray for it. Don't rush. Take it slow. You can pause and rest if things are tiring you down.
3. Learn to give not only take
I came from a poor family, so I tended to get stingy sometimes. I had this idea that I should keep more to myself since I did not have much. I did not hate giving, but I took more of what I could and what I should.
I thought if I kept more I would have more. Yet, in God's economy, this belief is so wrong. It is more like the more you give, the more you will be blessed. It will return to you ten folds, you will live abundantly. Spiritual and physical. You will not be lacking. He will supply all your needs. Needs, not want, alright?
So share what God has blessed you with, and always ask for discernment. We are born in this world with nothing, we will leave taking nothing. We are the stewards of all His creations. We should take care of them and never abuse them. Be more giving.
4. Learn to forgive yourself and others
Don't be hard on yourself. Lower your expectations. People make mistakes. People will disappoint me and you. You and I will disappoint others as well. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Be more forgiving to yourself and others. If God can forgive us, who are we to deny ourselves and others of forgiveness.
I have to learn and re-learn all of these because they take practice and discipline to make them a habit. The truth is we are still in our sinful nature, our own flesh reeks of sin. It is hard for a naturally bad-nature human to be good without learning and discipline. It takes habits to form a character, a good one. Despite the messy parts of our lives, God did not forsake us. He sent someone to save us so we can return to our original form. God loves me. Period. So be sure to love yourself, the way God does.
So, again, who else will love you? None other than, but Jesus, certainly, eternally. Accept Him in your life and you will never be the same.
Where do you get that extra cash during this lockdown?
A lot of Filipinos lost their source of income due to the CoViD pandemic. I know that most of us are looking for a job to have an extra income to support our family's basic needs, and the online world posts a lot of potentials where people can earn money.
Right now, I have two sources of extra income where I earn not much, but just enough for what my family and I need. I sell online and write reviews.
1. Online selling
I have an account on Shopee which sells brand new and pre-loved books. It also has a small physical store near our house. I started my independent book store last August 2018. The physical book store is not frequent by people, since only a few know it, probably it is just me and the rest of the family. I get my sales more on Shopee, sometimes through Facebook or Carousell. Last time, I checked the sales I already earned and spent 33,000 pesos something in a span of a year (excluding the sales thru FB and Carousell) which do not really cash on hand thing, the digits are more of a system-generated sales report from Shopee. In short, I do not have the 33,000 pesos on my hand in case you are thinking that I have cold cash in my pocket. I have spent most of them, and keep the capital cycling as it serves its purpose.
Reading books is one of my hobbies, so I enjoy selling books. You may also find things around you which you can sell online. Some of my friends are also selling online through Facebook and Instagram. They sell make-up and pre-loved clothes, bags, and footwear. Maybe now is perfect for you to clean and organize your stuff and declutter while earning a few pesos at the same time.
2. Review writing
I came across a post in one of the bookish group I am affiliated with on Facebook. The post advertised about a writing job with average earnings of 5,000 to 10,000 pesos. I am usually skeptical of this kind of post online, they appear fraud to me. Clicking the message button, I still had doubts in me. I sent interest and I got a reply right away. I was tasked to write a short review of 120 words of the latest book I read which was The Alchemist at that time.
Thank God, I got the job and earned almost 7,000 since April 20. And again I do not have the cash on hand. I already spent it on our basic needs. The job requires me to read books and write my impression of the story I read.
You may also find ways on how to earn online just like me. If you are good at drawing, someone may commission you. Or if you are also good at writing, you may find a job just like mine.
I am blessed that I earn from the things I love to do: reading and writing. You may never know as you scroll down on your Facebook or Instagram feeds with your smartphone or laptop, you might find a part-time just like how I did. Now is the time to start utilizing those gadgets for something profitable and helpful. I refer to the decent ways of using the internet to earn money, alright? Are we clear on that? And I pray that this post somehow helps you with what you are going through right now. Keep safe! God bless!
A gentle reminder: For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. ~1 Timothy 6:10
I continued attending the Sunday service. Aside from the usual Sunday worship service, there were other Church activities during weekdays. Other activities were announced during the Sunday service, we were encouraged to attend our respective group designation. There was a group for women, youth, and also prayer meetings during Fridays. I once attended a prayer meeting. I didn't have the slightest idea of what would happen, but one thing I was sure of, we were going to pray, and that was because it was called a prayer meeting. Wasn't it obvious?
I attended a prayer meeting. I was nervous. I arrived on time thinking that I didn't want to have any conversation with other people. I just wanted to reserve my seat and listen or pray or whatever I must do during the meeting. I didn't intend to meet and greet others, it was never easy for me to do that. It always felt like all hell break loose in my mind when I met strangers.
The prayer meeting started late. While I was waiting, there were only three of us, and a woman whom I knew during my childhood days and tried her best to engage me in a conversation. Mostly, she was the one who did the talking. She tried to show me thru her stories how blessed she was, how wonderful her family was. I listened to her patiently while I tried to put on the appropriate expression on my face on everything that she said.
I arrived at 7:30 in the evening, but the prayer meeting started at 8 or 8:30 the most. There was a lecture about a story from the New Testament. I remember something about Bethpage from the discussion of the Bishop, I am not even sure. At the end of the lecture, we prayed by a partner and some solo. I was with a partner and I was nervous, as always. She was kind enough to pray for me, and I didn't pray for her. Why? Because I didn't know how to or more like I was afraid that others would hear my prayer and discover how ugly the way I pray. After she prayed for me, I told her I would go home though I knew that the prayer meeting had not yet reached its conclusion. Others were still praying, but I was determined to leave. I felt insecure. That was the first and last time I attended the prayer meeting.
After that incident in the prayer meeting, I still continue attending the church. There were times that I missed the Sunday service because of my graduate studies. I listened to the message every Sunday and felt blessed every day. I knew I was on the right track. God wanted me to be where I was during those times.
During those times when I felt satisfied with my faith in and relationship with Him, there was a friend of mine who kept on insisting that I attend their D-group. Discipleship group or D-group is like a Bible study meeting. I rejected him a few times but eventually gave in because he was so persistent. I also started to seek more. More of Him.
It was a couples' D-group. A group composed of less and not more than ten, they were welcoming and accommodating, but I felt a little out of place since I was the only single in the group. I learned a lot from the discussion and looked forward to attending a D-group. I attended twice if I remember correctly. But eventually, I stopped attending the D-group session. I was not comfortable that I was the only single in the group.
Few months had passed and that same friend of mine nagged me about attending just one service of the church he and his wife was attending to. Again, he kept on bugging me, but this time I didn't give in. I was busy with my graduate studies and already attending a church why I would bother going to other churches.
One day, at the end of my last semester in my graduate studies and that, was November 2019, I just decided to grant my friend's request, I attended one service on a Sunday morning. After listening to a live-stream service from the main church, I was blessed. I was convicted. Since then, everything was never the same. I was never the same.
While I was getting acquainted with my new local church, adoration and praises would not cease coming out of my mind and heart. They just overflowed. I was able to compile them in a book that I just recently released on my birthday this year. I feel blessed. God never left me. In my trying times, He was there with me, always. He provided kind human beings to support and understand me. I am forever thankful and grateful. I am saved. I am redeemed.
And good news! I belong now to an all-girls D-group for singles.
This is the book I mentioned.
Click the photo if you want a copy.
~the end~
My mother had invited me many times to attend a Sunday service at the church she had been attending, and I always declined her offer thinking I was busy and it would just get in the way of my plans. I was satisfied with my relationship with God. I believed in Him. I read the Bible from time to time. I bought Christian-based books. I was a self-proclaimed Christian though He was never my priority. He was just on the sideline of my life. I was at liberty to include Him in my day to day life at my own convenience. I thought that was enough.
When everything fell apart, I realized how I was a jerk with that kind of mindset. I was ashamed and guilty of what I had done, of what I had been doing in my life. I lived my life as if it's my own as if I didn't owe Him my life, as if I had made everything possible with my own strength and will alone. I was the center of my world. When my mother invited me again to attend a Sunday service during my trying times, I accepted it. I was taking chances. If it was only Him who could heal me, take away the pain, the guilt, and the shame that I felt, then I was willing to take chances and I had nothing to lose anyway. I was lost anyway.
I started going to every Sunday service and I desired to have a complete attendance even though I was attending classes of my post-graduate studies every Saturday and Sunday. I was determined to always write notes about the message. Most of the time, I always cried during worship. I couldn't help it. Tears were just there, and after I cried I just felt a little better. I was regularly attending the Sunday service, and I came to like the new routine in my life. I decided to get baptized knowing that if I do it means that I would surrender my life to Jesus and He'll be the center of my life. It means that everything I do, I do it for Him, for His glory. I thought attending a church would be a burden, but it was not.
It was April when I was also volunteered in the Sunday school during one summer vacation. I was not sure if teaching in a Sunday school was the same as teaching in an academic school and I was afraid that I might not be able to teach the true message of Christ. But with God's grace, I was able to finish that week. Surprisingly, I enjoyed teaching the kids even it was tiring, I still got joy from it.
~end of part 4~
The seats of the persons who seek professional help gradually
went empty. They were coming in and going out of the door. I heard a loud cry from
inside the room during those waiting moments. It was a constraint and painful
cry. I felt his pain. He was the guy who was in cue with his grandmother. I
even met a teacher while waiting for my turn. She was a teacher at the elementary
level. She was there with her son. It was game addiction that led them to
seek professional help. I was hesitant to engage in any conversation with
her because she might know someone in the high school where I was teaching. But
seemed to be unaffected by the danger it may cause to my situation. I had
thoughts that she might gossip about me with her co-teachers and I feared for
my reputation as a teacher even though I badly wanted to resign. My mother
freely continued her conversation with the teacher I had no intention of joining
them, yet my mother kept on talking with her until she asked whether I was
still a student or working. I didn't how I would respond, and I didn't want to
lie. My mother didn't answer for me, and the woman seemed to be anticipating an answer from me, so I gave in and told her the truth. I worked at school
and as a teacher. She was surprised and asked how I coped up with my
situation. I explained to her that I had an ST or student-teacher. I was very
thankful that I had an ST during those times. He saved me a lot.
My turn to see the doctor came up and I was feeling cold. I was
not sure if it was because I was nervous or it was the just air conditioner of
the hospital working on my body temperature. I was the last person in the line.
It was just I and my mother. I entered the room alone. I didn't ask my mother
to come with me since she didn't also volunteer. I thought entering the room
alone was a better option. The doctor sat on a chair behind her table. The
room's motif was all white. I sat on a chair in front of her table. There was a
little distance between us.
The doctor asked me how I felt. I couldn't talk properly, I kept
on stuttering due to the cold I felt from the air conditioner. I told her how I
felt sad, I didn't want my job, I always cried, I was very sensitive, that
there was a student who committed suicide at school and people kept on dying
around our area of residence, and I also told her about my father, how he used
to get drunk and hurt my mom, turn our house into chaos, then after doing that
he would just leave us at home. The doctor told me she understood me. She knew
that what I was going through was tough. She also asked me I was into drugs or
alcohol, I answered no right away. She prescribed a medicine for me, an
anti-depressant, and reminded me that I should eat or drink chocolate, coffee,
soda, or anything similar to these foods. But there was one thing that I didn't
tell the doctor. I wonder if I had told her about it, would I return for the
next appointment?
I took the prescribed medicine every day in the morning for two
weeks. It was making me feel better. My emotions were not overflowing whenever
I had taken the medicine. I was getting numb. I lost the desire to talk or
engage in any conversation.
Two weeks had passed since I started taking the anti-depressant, and I went back to school after my 10-day leave. I was calm and collected at home since my encounters were only with my family. Since I returned to school, I cooped up in the school's library as I try to refrain from any human interaction. I had a feeling that the medicine
would work best if I avoid any potential encounter with anyone.
I continued to take the anti-depressant. It was working perfectly fine. It was doing its job precisely. But I felt something unnatural about the effect of the medicine on my emotions. It felt like every stimulus that is responsible for my emotions was losing its function. I thought maybe it was enough. The medicine had helped me already, thoughts that I must take hold of my emotions with my own will and take captive of my every thought possessed me. But how? How would I do that? I couldn't even do it before the suicidal incident of the student what made me think I could.
I stopped taking the medicine regularly after that two weeks. I only took it when I felt uncollected and disconnected. I only took it when I was already crying and I couldn't control my emotions and tears just kept rushing on which was not even prescribed by the doctor. I took the risk of irregularly taking the medicine with consulting the professional, which I do not also advisable for anyone of you to do so.
~end of part 3~
I stayed at home for a week and didn't come to school. I didn't care if there would be nothing left in my salary. I just didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to teach. My thought was what's the point of doing all these when I would just die. Everyone would just die. Why even try to live in the pain was the only thing you can get out of living a temporal life on earth... might as well die. Physical death is gaining freedom. I was also ready to cut ties from my work. I prepared my resignation letter. I only needed to submit it. My mother allowed me to resign in one condition, and that was I can apply for other jobs except for teaching because I really, really didn't want to teach anymore. I might as well be a domestic helper abroad somewhere in the middle east instead of teaching.
That's why I applied online to be a DH. I went to a recruiting agency somewhere in Quezon City. I had my agent, she was excited to send me abroad. She even held my passport just to be sure. But as always, it didn't go the way I planned it. My recruiter told me that I needed to renew my passport even though it was still six months before its expiration. She even asked me to entrust her with the passport, and that she would be the one to renew the passport. I didn't like the idea. I was suspicious that she might do something illegal with my passport. I retrieved my passport from her and decided to go home. So I went home defeated, and again, failed with my plans. I guess I really don't have the guts to be a domestic helper. I was a coward, again, more so indecisive, confused in this world I badly wanted to get rid of.
I was absent for a week and thought that I would be dismissed from my job because of my AWOL (Absence Without Leave). Some of my co-workers were asking me if I was alright or what happened to me, but I didn't have the courage to tell them what I was going through. They never got a decent answer from me and I never wanted to talk to anybody during those times. Everyone was a toxic person for me, except for a few sincere persons who had been patient with me. I was grateful to them.
I tried to return to school after a week since I failed in getting a job abroad. But returning to school didn't go well, it was a disaster. I was a subject coordinator and had to attend meetings with my superiors. Some of them had sharp tongues. Reckless and tactless. I was super sensitive during those times. There was a time when I burst out crying during one of the meetings, in front of my co-teachers in the principal's office. My tears wouldn't stop. They kept on falling from my eyes, flowing on my cheeks, I lost control. My emotions were unstable. I got hurt easily. I didn't want to bother others that's why I distanced myself from my workmates. I didn't want to be a burden to them, but I was aware that I was already a burden by the way I was behaving. I couldn't laugh, or even smile. I was always sad, tears in my eyes never ran dry.
I knew it wasn't normal. I was depressed and I needed to seek help. My mother was the same. She knew I needed help. She was supportive as well as my father. I had a friend who had a relative who experienced a similar condition as mine on some occasions. I asked her for help. She was very accommodating and welcoming. She never made me feel like I was going through was a bad case. She understood my situation and didn't treat me like a hopeless case.
I got in touch with the secretary of the doctor through the contact number that was given to me by my friend. I was given an appointment with the doctor. I didn't have any idea of what's going to happen when I face the doctor. I didn't know what I was going to tell, where in fact in the first place I couldn't even put into words what I was going through. It was chaos inside my mind.
The night arrived at the appointment with the doctor and I didn't go. I let another week passed by, I was indecisive. I was in denial of getting professional help. I thought I got this. I could overcome this without any professional help. Then my condition got worse. I filed for a sick leave instead of resigning since it's best to do that due to my loans.
The day I decided to meet the doctor I wasn't included in the list of persons who made an appointment. I was a gate-crasher. The secretary was a bit disappointed. She told us that there was no guarantee that the doctor would see me because I was not included in the list. I told her it was okay and we were willing to wait. I was with my mother and father. It was already dark and there was a cue of persons seeking professional help. My father waited at the parking lot while my mother was with me waiting in the line.
~end of part 2~
When I was just a kid, I thought life would be easy once I become an adult. I guess I was wrong like all the other kids who had the same false idea. Life became hard as I journey to adulthood, being grown-up sucks. And I try my best to fit into the world of the grown-ups, it was never easy. I knew I was different from the other kids ever since I discovered that it was hard for me to acquaint myself with other people or engage in any social gatherings. So, now I wonder how I was able to survive my social life in school. I think my survival from school's social aspect is all thanks to my friends, those who are remembered and some are forgotten. The credit belongs to them, most part the 50% survival rate, 30% from my parents, and 20% from my own effort.
I was perfectly adjusting to adulthood in my 20's. I had a career, stable with good pay, and a promising promotion scheme with my academic credentials. I was never enrolled in a grand and prestigious school. I am a full-blooded public student, thanks to the government. But I was pursuing post-graduate studies and that made me feel somewhat ahead of my co-workers. I was aware that I am full of myself sometimes, but I always chose to humble myself to the point of unconsciously practicing false humility whenever people try to praise me.
I was happy. So, I thought so. I am a teacher and I didn't like it before. I didn't want other people to know that I am a teacher, I was afraid that they may expect a perfect human being, and I was far from being perfect even as a teacher. I struggled with how I deal with the students, how to impose discipline without violating CPP (Child Protection Policy). Teaching different subjects and different grade level every school year give an additional challenge in my already challenging life as a human being more so as being a teacher. It was hard, but it was a stable job with good pay. So, I decided to stay and sucked up the system. I was guilty of prioritizing money instead of getting motivated because of my students' bright future.
I started to hate myself. It wasn't fun anymore. The money that I got from my job didn't make me happy anymore. Everything wasn't enough. There was always lacking. I was never satisfied. The happiness I got to feel from time to time was just spurs of the moment and it disappeared like vapor. No mark, no trace left behind. It was an empty form of happiness. Something that is temporal.
As I hated myself, I began to project the feelings I had inside as I hated others. People who are bad enough to be called evil, I hated them, I despised them. People who treat others unjustly. People who lie to make themselves look good. People who say bad things to others. I was angry at them even though most of the time I was not the victim of their doings, I was just a mere witness. As a witness, I didn't do anything to prevent what was happening. I was a coward. The hate that I felt didn't do me any good. It just turned into a hideous form of depression.
In 2019, my breaking point was when a student committed suicide. She was never under my class. I just happened to buy a chocolate milk drink from her parents' sari-sari store whenever I'd like to get a decent cold drink. I had never seen a hint of her being abused. She was beautiful and a bright girl. She was always polite and welcoming whenever I buy from her even though I was never her teacher in any subject. I thought she was just doing fine.
I thought to myself, I could end what I have been struggling with just like what she did. It was easy. I just have to end my life and that's it I can forget everything, every single hint of pain that I have been keeping to myself. All the hurt and bitterness will be gone just like that. I will be free, at last.
I stopped going to school. Confused and overwhelmed by the news about the student who committed suicide, I succumbed to the desire of freeing myself from all of the things that had been holding me back: family, work, pride, what others will think about me, money, my dreams. I must let go of all of these to be freed from the chains that had been dragging me down. Nothing else matters, only my selfish desire to be free from the pain.
My mother consented to my resignation from my work when she realized how miserable I was since I stopped coming to school. There were a lot of times where I tried to convince myself and my parents to allow me to resign and find another job, but we were so against the idea, we thought we're losing a very good opportunity to make our lives a little better out of our poor situation.
~end of part 1~
The Philippines is a tropical country, and the summer season is now hitting the country. So, prep your summer outfit and sunnies and gear up to hit the beach.
Wait, forget what I said.
We're not hitting the beach.
Instead, let's talk about our very own sanctuary of the creatures under the sea, the Laguna de Bay.
Laguna Lake was once a source of clean water for the people from the three barangays in the first district. Caingin, Aplaya, and Sinalhan were located beside the lake and the settlers of the said barangays mostly relied on the lake as its source of food and incoming. They used it for their living, but sadly they never returned the favor.
When I was just a kid, my mom used to tell me how clear the water in Laguna lake, they often used it to wash their clothes and took a bath during the summer season.
Sabado de Gloria was a holiday I always looked forward to along with my cousins all for the reason that it was also our chance to go swimming and enjoy the water without paying any fees. The water in the lake was already polluted during those days, but Sabado de Gloria was a day of a miracle for us. The muddy water became lighter and we could see the stones and dead shells. It was a simple delight we always indulge ourselves in.
Then, something happened.
I saw a yellow submarine.
That day, I stepped out of the water and I stopped going to the lake for a swim since then.
It was poop. For the lake's sake! It was a fresh yellow poop, about three inches long probably.
And as I grew older, the water condition got worse. I had hopes that may be, just maybe the water would turn clear during Holy Week, but it didn't.
I never got a chance to dip my foot in the lake since my encounter with Mr. Yellow Submarine, and I just had this thought that I might visit the lake one of these days. You might want to check out Laguna lake too, and an idea might pop out to save or at least minimize the destruction of Laguna de Bay. Wasn't that a bit hopeful for such a hopeless bay? I think not.
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