I stayed at home for a week and didn't come to school. I didn't care if there would be nothing left in my salary. I just didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to teach. My thought was what's the point of doing all these when I would just die. Everyone would just die. Why even try to live in the pain was the only thing you can get out of living a temporal life on earth... might as well die. Physical death is gaining freedom. I was also ready to cut ties from my work. I prepared my resignation letter. I only needed to submit it. My mother allowed me to resign in one condition, and that was I can apply for other jobs except for teaching because I really, really didn't want to teach anymore. I might as well be a domestic helper abroad somewhere in the middle east instead of teaching.

That's why I applied online to be a DH. I went to a recruiting agency somewhere in Quezon City. I had my agent, she was excited to send me abroad. She even held my passport just to be sure. But as always, it didn't go the way I planned it. My recruiter told me that I needed to renew my passport even though it was still six months before its expiration. She even asked me to entrust her with the passport, and that she would be the one to renew the passport. I didn't like the idea. I was suspicious that she might do something illegal with my passport. I retrieved my passport from her and decided to go home. So I went home defeated, and again, failed with my plans. I guess I really don't have the guts to be a domestic helper. I was a coward, again, more so indecisive, confused in this world I badly wanted to get rid of.

I was absent for a week and thought that I would be dismissed from my job because of my AWOL (Absence Without Leave). Some of my co-workers were asking me if I was alright or what happened to me, but I didn't have the courage to tell them what I was going through. They never got a decent answer from me and I never wanted to talk to anybody during those times. Everyone was a toxic person for me, except for a few sincere persons who had been patient with me. I was grateful to them.

I tried to return to school after a week since I failed in getting a job abroad. But returning to school didn't go well, it was a disaster. I was a subject coordinator and had to attend meetings with my superiors. Some of them had sharp tongues. Reckless and tactless. I was super sensitive during those times. There was a time when I burst out crying during one of the meetings, in front of my co-teachers in the principal's office. My tears wouldn't stop. They kept on falling from my eyes, flowing on my cheeks, I lost control. My emotions were unstable. I got hurt easily. I didn't want to bother others that's why I distanced myself from my workmates. I didn't want to be a burden to them, but I was aware that I was already a burden by the way I was behaving. I couldn't laugh, or even smile. I was always sad, tears in my eyes never ran dry.

I knew it wasn't normal. I was depressed and I needed to seek help. My mother was the same. She knew I needed help. She was supportive as well as my father. I had a friend who had a relative who experienced a similar condition as mine on some occasions. I asked her for help. She was very accommodating and welcoming. She never made me feel like I was going through was a bad case. She understood my situation and didn't treat me like a hopeless case.

I got in touch with the secretary of the doctor through the contact number that was given to me by my friend. I was given an appointment with the doctor. I didn't have any idea of what's going to happen when I face the doctor. I didn't know what I was going to tell, where in fact in the first place I couldn't even put into words what I was going through. It was chaos inside my mind.

The night arrived at the appointment with the doctor and I didn't go. I let another week passed by, I was indecisive. I was in denial of getting professional help. I thought I got this. I could overcome this without any professional help. Then my condition got worse. I filed for a sick leave instead of resigning since it's best to do that due to my loans.

The day I decided to meet the doctor I wasn't included in the list of persons who made an appointment. I was a gate-crasher. The secretary was a bit disappointed. She told us that there was no guarantee that the doctor would see me because I was not included in the list. I told her it was okay and we were willing to wait. I was with my mother and father. It was already dark and there was a cue of persons seeking professional help. My father waited at the parking lot while my mother was with me waiting in the line.