Ever since I got a glimpse of this book at one of the branches of PCBS here in our place, that was maybe 5 years ago when I had the desire to grab that book and walk straight to the cashier to pay for it, and hid it in my bag until I made it to the seclusion of my room at home. That was my plan. A perfect plan to avoid skeptics in noticing the kind of book I just decided to buy. In conclusion, I was ashamed to be seen buying the book, when a good God allows rape by Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza. 

'I was not rape, why would I buy that kind of book,' these were exactly my thoughts. I didn't experience that grave offense from my violator. I was fine. I am still a virgin. There was no penetration that occurred, so I was really fine to compare to what Joy experience from her offenders. I believed I was on the gentler side of the crime. I believed I should just brush it off and move on with my life as if nothing happened when I was just a child when he touched me. We were family after all. I didn't want to cause an uproar, chaos, or anarchy in our family even though we were not on good terms with some of them, still, I didn't want to make an issue about it. The fact that it happened more than two decades ago and that I didn't have any evidence of the incident left fear in me that no one would believe that it happened to me. I was in denial all those years of my inner struggles. 

Years had passed and I grew up with a lot of issues within me, all of them unresolved and unjustified. I never opened to my parents or even to my friends in high school and college, I was ashamed and felt dirty though I continued to thrive. Our family struggled with poverty as they pursued our education, and  I didn't want to burden my parents by telling them all my unresolved and unjustified issues within me. 

I thought I was still pure. Penetration never occurred. If my memory served me right, it didn't happen. Yet he touched me, and that left an unfamiliar sensation. I desired it, to the point of starving and thirsting for that sensation. Yet I never wanted to let anyone touch me that way, ever again. I felt disgusted just thinking about it, a man touching me. I felt gross, dirty, and frightened. Yet I still desire for that sensation. That thirst continued to grow until my adolescent years all the way to my adulthood. The adolescent years let me discovered that God hated what I was doing to myself during one of the many Bible studies I attended, and I was no longer pure, I was a sinner, I was doomed. God would never forgive me. 

I was seeking that One true God in my adolescence, but I kept on sinning. There were times that I felt victorious over that sin yet I always went back to square one every time I gave in to my desire. Yet. Yet, most of the time I gave in and thought that I was a hopeless case, there was no hope for me. I gave up seeking God knowing that I could never win against my earthly desire.

In my adulthood, I felt a little wiser and confident. I had acquired a stable job with a reasonable salary and began to explore the world with a little bit of courage. I had this idea in mind that everything is possible now that I am an adult. I dreamed big and came up with making it big as an author, a writer. I'd like to write stories from my wild imagination. From this writing journey, I discovered that sex is okay from a worldly perspective, but I strongly believed in marriage-before-sex. I kept my chastity and never had a boyfriend. 

I was tormented all those years of dealing with my sin and guilt. There were days I was doing fine and there were also days I was a mess. I had episodes of suicidal thoughts every now and then. I was living a double life now that I looked back at it. I was trying so hard pleasing God in my own way, yet I could not even surrender my earthly desire. 

At this point in time, I still have struggles but I am no longer alone. I am fighting a good fight with my Savior and Redeemer, the perfecter of my faith, Jesus Christ. He has saved me and forgave all of my sins from the past, present, and future.  I no longer running the race on my own strength, but with the strength that is found only in Jesus. He brought me out of the darkness, and shed light on my life. 

When a good God allows rape reaffirms that my God is faithful to those who love Him. That my struggles and the pain it caused me are nothing compared to what He has in store for me. He is a faithful and purposeful God. 

~Romans 8:28