When I was just a kid, I thought life would be easy once I become an adult. I guess I was wrong like all the other kids who had the same false idea. Life became hard as I journey to adulthood, being grown-up sucks. And I try my best to fit into the world of the grown-ups, it was never easy. I knew I was different from the other kids ever since I discovered that it was hard for me to acquaint myself with other people or engage in any social gatherings. So, now I wonder how I was able to survive my social life in school. I think my survival from school's social aspect is all thanks to my friends, those who are remembered and some are forgotten. The credit belongs to them, most part the 50% survival rate, 30% from my parents, and 20% from my own effort.

I was perfectly adjusting to adulthood in my 20's. I had a career, stable with good pay, and a promising promotion scheme with my academic credentials. I was never enrolled in a grand and prestigious school. I am a full-blooded public student, thanks to the government. But I was pursuing post-graduate studies and that made me feel somewhat ahead of my co-workers. I was aware that I am full of myself sometimes, but I always chose to humble myself to the point of unconsciously practicing false humility whenever people try to praise me.

I was happy. So, I thought so. I am a teacher and I didn't like it before. I didn't want other people to know that I am a teacher, I was afraid that they may expect a perfect human being, and I was far from being perfect even as a teacher. I struggled with how I deal with the students, how to impose discipline without violating CPP (Child Protection Policy). Teaching different subjects and different grade level every school year give an additional challenge in my already challenging life as a human being more so as being a teacher. It was hard, but it was a stable job with good pay. So, I decided to stay and sucked up the system. I was guilty of prioritizing money instead of getting motivated because of my students' bright future.

I started to hate myself. It wasn't fun anymore. The money that I got from my job didn't make me happy anymore. Everything wasn't enough. There was always lacking. I was never satisfied. The happiness I got to feel from time to time was just spurs of the moment and it disappeared like vapor. No mark, no trace left behind. It was an empty form of happiness. Something that is temporal.

As I hated myself, I began to project the feelings I had inside as I hated others. People who are bad enough to be called evil, I hated them, I despised them. People who treat others unjustly. People who lie to make themselves look good. People who say bad things to others. I was angry at them even though most of the time I was not the victim of their doings, I was just a mere witness. As a witness, I didn't do anything to prevent what was happening. I was a coward. The hate that I felt didn't do me any good. It just turned into a hideous form of depression.

In 2019, my breaking point was when a student committed suicide. She was never under my class. I just happened to buy a chocolate milk drink from her parents' sari-sari store whenever I'd like to get a decent cold drink. I had never seen a hint of her being abused. She was beautiful and a bright girl. She was always polite and welcoming whenever I buy from her even though I was never her teacher in any subject. I thought she was just doing fine.

I thought to myself, I could end what I have been struggling with just like what she did. It was easy. I just have to end my life and that's it I can forget everything, every single hint of pain that I have been keeping to myself. All the hurt and bitterness will be gone just like that. I will be free, at last.

I stopped going to school. Confused and overwhelmed by the news about the student who committed suicide, I succumbed to the desire of freeing myself from all of the things that had been holding me back: family, work, pride, what others will think about me, money, my dreams. I must let go of all of these to be freed from the chains that had been dragging me down. Nothing else matters, only my selfish desire to be free from the pain.

My mother consented to my resignation from my work when she realized how miserable I was since I stopped coming to school. There were a lot of times where I tried to convince myself and my parents to allow me to resign and find another job, but we were so against the idea, we thought we're losing a very good opportunity to make our lives a little better out of our poor situation.    

~end of part 1~