When I was younger and so oblivious of what really matters in life, I thought beauty is only skin deep. that beauty can only be achieved only if you are perfect, if you aren't, then being beautiful is too far from your reach. And this kind of mindset pestered me unceasingly during my adolescent years and early and late 20s, I thought I can only be called beautiful, only if I am perfect, free from all flaws and imperfections. I wanted to be a good example of the manufactured beauty of society. I did the best I could in my own way to be perfect, but in the end, I was far more than being perfect, even light-years away. The sad part during those times of insecurities and dissatisfaction with my physical appearance is I took for granted some people who appreciated and accepted me the most, the real me, the imperfect me, with a beauty that I failed to recognize because of the unrealistic expectations from myself.

It is only in recent years that I finally accepted that true beauty is more than meets the eye. That anyone and everyone can be called beautiful. The true beauty that we all possess within us is something that we fail to recognize most of the time. I thought beauty is something that I see physically from celebrities, models, and the likes. They are all gorgeous and I thought I wanted to become like them, look like them, but I was so wrong trying to copycat them. I may not look like any other celebrities or models out there, but I am glad that it is never too late for me to accept and appreciate the imperfections I have and recognize the true beauty God has given me. 

You can be beautiful outside but completely rotten inside. Cliche and supernatural it may sound, I feel most beautiful when I have peace and contentment, and when I said peace, I mean "the" true peace.

You Can Be Beautiful by Diana Reyes is another preloved book that I got from my co-teacher. It took me more than a month to finish this book. I have to be honest I disagree with some of the ideas I encounter from this book. You may want to read the book to know exactly what I mean. In general, it is a self-help book that showcases practical tips on how to be beautiful, especially for women. You have all the right to apply or not to follow the recommended tips that you may come face to face from the book. It is helpful in its own way and you can get some helpful reminders to improve or add light to the way we see beauty.

Last month, I watched the final season of Attack On Titan or Shingenki No Kyojin in its anime version. It's good, but sad. 

I am more inclined to its manga version. I get the feeling that I might miss some details if I plunged into the anime series right away. But I stopped reading manga for almost or over a year and deleted the manga reader app on my phone, so I lose track of what chapters I last read from all the bookmarked manga titles I had before the hiatus.

I read more than I should. I had to stop. ~Circa 2019 to 2020

Praise God for stepping on the break!

Now here in 2021, the end and the final season of Attack On Titan was always the one I got to see on my feeds. At first, I declined the offer of the media to indulge myself to another heartbreaking, action-packed, tragic, and breathtaking story from Hajime Isayama.

I find the graphics of the last season more attractive. Mappa studio made the series this time around.

The manga already ended and it broke me to tears, seriously. Good thing, I recover faster nowadays. Praise God! But the anime version isn't over yet. The fandom still awaits for its final installment. Some changes might happen in the anime version, maybe a lighter ending for Eren and Mikasa, 'cause I really ship them. And I also don't want to get my hopes up so I do prepare my heart if anything worse happens in the story. I want to see Levi Ackerman again, and maybe ask him to marry me, just kidding. 

A lot of ships did not sail in Attack On Titan, and for some reasons I could not hate the author like I usually do, sorry. I know he has his reason why the story ended up that way. I kind of accepted it and at the same time still remained hopeful.

He owns everything. Not a single thing is our own. We are merely stewards of God's creation. We are to serve Him. Even the life we have is His, and He wants us to make the most out of it. Our beloved family here on earth is also from Him. He owns them.

My father had shown his support to my mother during those moments of weakness. I knew so well that he was not like that in the past. He did change and it was a very long process. He cooked for us because my mother couldn't, using our tricycle he was the runner, and sometimes he was the dishwasher when it was not my turn. We were able to keep it together all by God's grace. And what he is now is only possible through God's power. I could not help but share this with you and praise Him with all my heart. We are very far from being a perfect family, and I doubt there is such a thing as a perfect family since a family is composed of imperfect human beings, but I grew to appreciate the kind of family I have. God gave them to me and they are exactly who I need in living a purposeful life here on earth.

Before I forgot to mention, my sister also helped in doing some laundry, and overcoming those seemingly unending weeks of struggle was a challenge for all of us.

I realized a lot of things in life during those times of trouble and I resolved to be a better daughter to my parents, to enjoy my time with them and serve, care, and love them the best I can through Him who strengthens me. I am still not the perfect daughter, but I am glad that God put a desire in my heart to honor and respect my parents in His perfect ways. I am also reminded that in times of trouble we can still remain hopeful, the true hope that is only found in Jesus Christ.

I wondered why God does not yet answer my prayers. I was questioning His silence. A conviction to ask the fellow believers with me weighed on me. I was hesitant to share my struggles with my sisters in Christ I thought I would be a burden to them and I did want that. My pride and hate held me back, and God does not want a proud and hateful child. He wants us to be loving, humble, and dependent on Him. He knows how far we can endure.

When she could not take it any longer, my mother asked and insisted we bring her to a doctor for a check-up since over-the-counter medicines were not helping her to ease her suffering. We went to different doctors, but it was already late in the afternoon, and it seemed like no one was willing to take in a patient who have symptoms similar to my mother suffered with. We were frustrated and filled with uncertainties. A hospital has only the capacity to entertain patients with CoVid symptoms. 

My mother was swabbed test and we waited a few minutes for the result outside the hospital. We were not allowed to enter and we also did not want to. We were feeling agitated and my hate towards my sister grew bigger. I was browsing my social media account just to have a little diversion from the predicament we were all facing when I came across one of my sister's shared posts on one of her social media accounts about something funny. I was furious that she did not even care that's why I reacted with an angry emoticon on her posts. I knew it was childish but I had to vent out my disappointment towards her. But I retracted the angry emoticon later on when I surrendered the anger and disappointment. 

The result was negative. Praise God! I thanked and prayed to Him. She was also advised to be x-rayed and the film showed that she had phlegms in her lungs which was still alarming. The doctor prescribed her some medicines for her fever and dry cough. 

On the second day of taking her medicine, my mother was dissatisfied with the effect of the medicines. She still had difficulty with her coughing and felt like she could not breathe properly. She borrowed a nebulizer from her sister who was also my aunt and thanks to God, my very own sister assisted our mother in operating the nebulizer.

But my mother was far from being okay after the check-up and taking all those medicines. She did not feel any better. I was sad and hope seemed to be losing my grip. I held on to the promises of God.

During one of our DGroup meetings and of the days of the online True Life Retreat 2021, I had the opportunity to tell my predicament in a conversation/Bible study with fellow believers. They were compassionate and very willing to pray with me as my family went through health problems at the time of the pandemic. I was humbled and grateful for God's answer when He said 'yes to all of our prayers.