Oh how much, I look forward to that end season. The end of the waiting season. On these particular days of my life,  I am, again, tired and sad and lonely and lost. It feels like I lost connection to someone important. 

And right now I feel so not enough. I feel lacking and longing again. 

There was this person who appeared in my life after many years. And all of a sudden I thought maybe he was the one sent by God.  He brought hope and happy moments. I was genuinely happy during those spared times he spent with me. 

He was on and off. He was active but never present. He was reacting but never communicating. 

He was just there when it was convenient for him. 

I knew there was something wrong. It was weird and I almost fell into the trap, once again.  

I thought this kind of longing already disappeared and permanently vanished in my system, but it was there, that familiar feeling of wanting and impatience emerged once again and I felt ashamed. 

I thought it was okay for me to stay single and alone but never lonely. I thought I was fine. I was joyful in the presence of God. I was rejoicing in good and bad times. 

Then he appeared and brought doubt and pain.

I should not blame him. It was not his fault entirely. We played games where there are winners and losers. 

The game was fun and all but losing was painful. 

There were nights that I cried while asking God why I was never pursued especially by the one I liked. It had always been a one-sided thing. I even questioned my worth and forgot my identity in Christ. I asked Him if He intended me to be alone and lonely all the days of my life here on earth. 

I doubted again and was guilty. This is not how I should be as a Christian. This is not me in Christ. 

"Bruised but not broken," I remember my D-Group leader telling me this. This time maybe I am not broken, only bruised. All thanks to God's divine protection and preemptive action. I am saved always.